I like it Top 50 Chuck Norris Facts & Jokes Browse through the top 50 Chuck Norris Facts. Click on a fact to have it printed on a t-shirt.

• Chuck Norris has a lakehouse on the Sun Cancel ratingPoorOkayGoodGreatAwesome Your rating: None Average: 4.8 (6 votes)
• Chuck Norris won American Idol using only sign language
  
• Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards 
• Chuck Norris is so awesome he created fire by rubbbing two ice cubes together. 
• Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic 
• Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories. 
• Did you know Chuck Norris had a role in Star Wars......he was the force. 
• Chuck Norris smashed a mirror over a black cats head while standing under a ladder, then won the lottery 
• There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
• If you rate this 5 roundhouse kicks, then Chuck Norris WILL roundhouse kick Justin Bieber's ass. 
• Once the cop pulled over Chuck Norris....the cop was lucky to leave with a warning.
• Graveyards originally had "Chuck Norris was here" signs but everyone knew that.
  
• If they made a movie of Chuck Norris standing still, it would be rated R for extreme violence.
  
• Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.
• Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death, he beats it fair and square. 
• Chuck Norris once raced light. He is still waiting for it to catch up.
• Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.
  
• The Black Eyed Peas were originally named "The Peas"....until they met Chuck Norris. 
• Chuck Norris has a website, is called the internet
  
• Chuck Norris can turn Toast back into Bread. 
• Some magicans can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land. 
• When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris 
• Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke....that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
  
• Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants. 
• Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone. Cancel ratingPoorOkayGoodGreatAwesome
  
• Chuck Norris grew a beard at the age of eighteen. Seconds.
  
• Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter
  
• Charlie Sheen calls it 'winning'. Winning calls it 'Chuck Norris'. 
• Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the sh*t out of it Cancel ratingPoorOkayGoodGreatAwesome
  
• Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick your cell phone and kill everyone in the address book 
• Before his rise to fame, Jaws was Chuck Norris's goldfish. 
• Chuck Norris doesn't age. He levels up 
• Chuck Norris does not have a middle name, nobody gets between Chuck Norris. 
• Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. 
• Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
  
• They once named a street after Chuck Norris, but they had to rename it because no one can cross Chuck Norris and live. Cancel ratingPoorOkayGoodGreatAwesome 
• Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience 
• When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. 
• Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. 
• Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattle snake........ After three days of pain and agony ..................the rattle snake died 
• Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
  
• Guns are warned not to play with Chuck Norris.
  
• If Chuck Norris were to ever run out of ammo, his weapon would continue to fire out of fear of disappointing Chuck Norris. 
• Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
  
• When Graham Bell first invented telephone he had 2 missed calls from Chuck Norris
  
• Chuck Norris The Film in 3D was actually banned after the first showing when a 3D roundhouse kick accidently killed the entire audience 
• Chuck Norris makes onions cry. 
• Giraffes did not exist........until Chuck Norris upper-cutted a horse. 
• Chuck Norris once arranged his M&M's in alphabetical order. 
• People invented cars to get away from Chuck Norris,
  

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle.

I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"

It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.

I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'"

A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"



Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.

I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over!"

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I think a rotisserie is a really morbid Ferris wheel for chickens. We will take a chicken, impale it, and then rotate it. Spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water. I like dizzy chickens!

Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a bunch of people that I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated and not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand? I want a chair too!

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

I wear a necklace now because I like to know when I'm upside down.

I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.

I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry."

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!

I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!"

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.

I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."

I got a belt on that's holding up my pants, and the pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What's going on here? Who is the real hero?

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.